i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
