dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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