Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
this beer tastes like vomit already
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
