I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
