dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
