I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
