dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Screwed.edu
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
