I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
