I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Will exercising make me less horny?
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