so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
