I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
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