He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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