Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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