Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
