JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
