I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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