so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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