Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
