I just gift wrapped bread.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
