if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
