I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
We need to rekindle our bromance
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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