help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Blood and glitter go together right?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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