I could make wine with my vomit
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Randomize
