There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
