i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
