Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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