Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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