i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
