Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
