hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
