We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
