Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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