when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize