is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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