My cat gives me a boner
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
