this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
