I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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