Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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