His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
