I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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