I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
