so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Cover your peen. We're going out.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
