Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
