i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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