I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
