I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
