Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
