I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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