so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
