You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize