Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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