FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Dignity is for republicans.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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