The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
