Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
