i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
