dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize