Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
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