So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
