Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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